So much of middle school and high school drama revolves around friendships. When your child reaches their teen years, friends can morph from besties into enemies, seemingly overnight. The desire to fit in with a social group comes with tons of pressure. Add social media into the mix, and friendships can feel like tiptoeing through a minefield.

Navigating the ups and downs of adolescent friendships is a rite of passage. How can you help your child manage the drama?

Begin by helping your teen think about the qualities they value in their current friends. What traits do they exemplify? Point these characteristics out when you see them in other people. Encourage them to seek friends who have the qualities they value.

Next, teach your teen to recognize the trouble signs in friendships. Discuss dysfunctional friendship patterns like one-sidedness, jealousy, competitiveness, or exclusion. Help your teen build emotional awareness: how does the friendship make you feel? Do you feel unsure or unsupported when you’re around a certain friend? A big part of navigating friendships for teens is learning that they deserve to be treated well within the relationship.

Boundaries. It’s a popular word that seems to be everywhere lately. It’s the foundation of healthy friendships and relationships. Reassure your child that it’s okay to assert themselves, to say “no” to friends, and to communicate honestly about their own limits and to respect the limits of others.

And finally, talk openly with your teen about rejection and exclusion. They’re a normal aspect of life that everyone deals with. Let them know that rejection doesn’t define their worth. It may feel like it does, but that’s a normal feeling, too. There’s nothing wrong with asking for support when those big feelings well up.

Even if you talk with your child about their friendships until you're blue in the face, chances are they will still ride the friendship rollercoaster. Pay attention to your teen’s behaviors:
- Are they withdrawing from social situations?
- Do they seem sadder or irritable after social commitments or time on social media?
- Are they complaining frequently about certain friends?
- Are they engaging in negative self-talk?

Tuning into your teen on a regular basis will help you know when they need more support, as well as the level of support they might need.

Most of us have cringy teen memories about our own over-involved parents. Giving the right amount and type of support feels like riding a bucking bronco at the rodeo. Here are some things to avoid while you’re riding that bull:
1. Don't minimize their feelings or qualify them as being “right” or “wrong.”
2. Avoid criticizing their friends. Remember, a week from now, they might be besties again. Criticism makes communication shut down when your teen becomes defensive.
3. Don’t pry. This is a hard one. You want to know the ins and outs of the situation, but your teen is learning to be independent. Respect their boundaries (it’s how they learn to have boundaries themselves).
4. You’re not a friendship mechanic. Don’t try to fix it unless there are extreme circumstances. Leaping in with your relationship wrench undermines your child’s confidence.

It’s hard to watch your child struggle. Remind your teen that facing challenges is about growth. They might not have it all figured out yet, but they’re moving in the right direction.


Tracy has been teaching for over 30 years in and out of Michigan. She currently teaches middle school and spends her free time writing for publications and small businesses. When she’s not putting pencil to paper or dreaming up ways to inspire her English students, she can be found in the woods on the trails.

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